I’m Really Trying

Really.  To have a good attitude.  But it’s been a hard day for me.  Three years ago today, my ex asked for a divorce.  Sure, my life has changed in ways that I had dreamed of, but never thought would happen, but the divorce still stinks, in more ways than I’m willing to get into here, more ways than anyone would want to read about.

Except late last night and early this morning I trashed the false starts that I was working up into an essay for my Creative Non-Fiction workshop and wrote about this week, three years ago.  It was painful.  I had to restrain from being nasty, which I wanted to be at times.  You see, my ex is a musician, a good one, one I admire, but he aired a lot of what to me was (is) very private when we were going through a difficult time.  And I resent that.  And now I’m worried that I just did the same thing in writing this essay, but I tried, I really tried, to write it with the compassion that I feel for him, for our failure.  Which is a lot of compassion.  Along with guilt.  And sorrow.  And, weirdly enough, joy.

I have a new relationship now.  Well, not so new anymore, but a different one, with a man who has so many admirable qualities.  But at times I wonder if I can trust myself.  I mean, how do you go from a love that you believe in with all of your heart, a marriage that, despite some big problems, is at least based on love, on even more than that, yet still collapses, to anything else?  It’s a much bigger leap of faith for me to love Neal, a much bigger risk for me.  Yet so much easier at times than it ever was with F.  If I’m not willing to trust my feelings, though, if I don’t at least try to, I would lose out not just on the happiness Neal and I have, but on the part of me that is an optimist, the part of me that wants to believe in the things I believed before F. asked for a divorce. 

Maybe it’s just the semester creeping up on me, giving me the mean reds.  This hasn’t been a fun blog to read the last few days, but the nice thing about the mean reds is that a trip to Tiffany’s usually does the trick.  And while I’m a long way away from Fifth Avenue, I do have my next Sex in the City dvd.  And I may just stay up and watch a few episodes.

I’ll be in Chicago over the weekend.  Think of me at 9:30 a.m. on Friday.  I’ll be reading my paper entitled "Writing Across Communities:  Peer Reviewing Among Diverse Students."  Sure, I know you want to read it. 

Oh, and you want some knitting content?  Here’s a teaser.  I may finish Jaywalker (the first sock, stop laughing, you!) this weekend.  I WILL finish it.  And start on my Sockapaloooza socks.  ‘Cause that deadline’s coming up fast.

And thanks, everyone, for the kind comments about Grandpa G.  His wake is today, and that hasn’t helped matters for me.  I wish I could be there.  But your kind words mean a lot to me.